starting over.

As it has been for so many people, the last few years have been pretty tough. Our company crashed, along with most of our retirement plans, my husband is not functioning very well, and suddenly I find myself as the main provider in the family financially and emotionally. Nothing unusual there, millions of women handle that everyday, right? I haven't been able to find a job yet, though, and that is really hampering our recovery. Somehow the bills have to get paid, the household downsized - yet again - some sense of normalcy needs to be provided for the kids, and I have no support system in place. Wow. How whiney can I get? So that's why the blog. I'm not going to curl up and cry and give up. So this will be my therapy (can't afford to pay for a therapist. :) )

Here's the trade-off, and I want to state this so I can think straight. I had a beautiful 5 million dollar house, a great job, great hours, tons of "prestige," respect, and perks. I also had ownership in a family business that would have brought me personally $600,000- $800,000 per year for the rest of my life. Nice setup, don't you think? But there was a downside. I was owned by the company, and had to act a certain way, vote a certain way, constantly monitor how we were perceived and how my husband acted. (he's the wild card in my life). After everything collapsed, and I'm not going into all the details, it's irrelevant anyway, we've survived by selling off assets, and chasing the real estate market down as we sell properties. Lots of woulda, coulda, shoulda, but that's irrelevant, too. Now it's finally sinking in. I'm no longer an heiress, there is no safety net, and I feel like a very domesitcated house cat that is suddenly fending for itself in a really scary alley. I don't know how to catch a mouse, or even where to find one. I'm not even sure I'd recognize one! But I do have 3 great assets: my faith in God, my children, and my ability to learn.

My gut feeling is that this financial debacle is a blessing, not a curse. There's a lot of insecurity in being even a well-cared for housecat. If I can claw my way back into some semblance of stability, I'll have proved something to myself. And this I know without a doubt: none of my family's survival is done without the help of the Lord. He has been mindful of us in even the most minute details of our lives. Sure, lots of bad things have happened. But we're still together, my kids are amazing, and no one is starving.

I don't know how many job applications I've filled out, how many rejections I've gotten or how many times I've tweaked my resume. But I do know it will be at least one more time.